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Recovery in the News
Former Miss USA details her addiction
Kristin Boyd
Reading Eagle Press
January 20, 2011
Tara Conner was a master liar, a master manipulator - and a miracle in the making.
Despite winning Miss USA 2006, she said, she was just a rebellious tomboy in a pageant dress who felt so unloved and unworthy that every night she prayed to die in her sleep.
"I didn't want to live," said Conner, who found comfort in drugs and alcohol. "I didn't want to go on. My life was a shell, and I had no purpose."
Conner, now sober for four years, discussed her recovery, pageant days and sometimes painful childhood Wednesday night during "The Healing Power of 12-Step Spirituality," a series sponsored by Common Ground of Atonement Lutheran Church in Wyomissing and Caron Treatment Centers.
She was one of two speakers. The second, Craig "Espo" Esposito, tattooed his sobriety date - July 29, 2006 - on his wrist. He shared how his father's death in the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks gave him even more of an excuse to drink and abuse drugs excessively.
As a teen, Conner developed a bad girl reputation in her small Kentucky town. She was "taken advantage of" several times, she said, and bounced between beauty pageants and trouble, including being arrested once but not charged.
"I was so proud of myself," she said of winning the Miss USA competition. "I shut all of them up. I proved to myself that I could do it."
But after testing positive for drugs and almost losing her Miss USA title, Conner realized her "dirty little secret" had left her numb, emotionless and disconnected.
A 30-day stint at Caron changed that, she said.
For the first time, she said, she remained honest and was held accountable. She attended treatment with an open mind and willingness to listen, even though, some days, she thought, "Why am I here?"
However, she added, the more she prayed and the more skeletons she let out of the closet, the better she began to feel. She eventually forgave herself and vowed to help others by sharing her story.
"It finally felt like everything was OK. I was a work in progress," she said. "We're just human. We're going to make mistakes. I have to work on myself daily."
With a new outlook, Conner said she takes it one day at a time. She attends several AA meetings weekly, and each morning, jots down a gratitude list.
And she said her daily prayer now centers on life, not death.
"I'll pray to God every day: 'Please help me to be the best me in your eyes,' " she said.